I often wonder who I am,and what has made me to be what I am. The answers to that come in the general variety such as, "You are you," and, "Every instance of your life has made you that way," and I will say that I agree with those. In theory of my mind we each have a zillion selves that we could have turned into. It is the matter that we made the choice to do this instead of that which changed us, or that we turned left instead of right at the corner. I have come to believe that each choice and each moment of our lives turns us into something different then having done the opposite in that moment and time would make us to be. I don't know if there is some scientific name for the idea, but in my mind it is the closest thing to truth that I can think of because in my mind I know that if I had done some things differently that different doors would have opened and I would be different. I would have had to make some different choices and maybe even have different demons that haunt me.
I realize that I am not free from faults, and I realize things I could have done to change that, but in the end... I am not sure that changing those things back then would have made me a better person then I am today. I don't know that for sure, but how can I say that making different choices would change who I am for the better instead of the worst? I can't and no one ever really can. It is an amazing concept in my head. Who is to say that if I took the SATs that I would have gotten high enough of a score to apply for a larger college? How can I know that if I had taken the offer to join the military after scoring high on my ASVAB, that I would still be going out to be an English Major in the end? For tonight, though, I have heard enough about my faults that I don't care to focus on them or the possibilities of the other personalities I could be. I want to focus a bit on who I am.
Who am I? I am the girl that sits at the front row of the class in the middle. I am that girl that most people look over or ignore because I may come off as a brown noser. Add to that the fact that I am a very shy person who will, generally, not approach you to make conversation due to a poor self-esteem, and you are left with a person who becomes a slight loner within the social circles and areas pertaining to friends. What makes everything come off this way? I do, and some misunderstandings on the observers' part do. I am not the brown noser you think I am. I am that girl that has a passion for teaching so much that she wants to understand what it feels like to be that professor up there talking before us. Which also explains why I sit where I do. It is not because I want to be buddy buddy with the professor - it is because I realize that I can see better there. I won't be distracted by that guy on the third row staring down the shirt of the voluptuous blond next to him or that girl in the back who's pen keeps wiggling back and forth while she moves it between her fingers. I'm not there for that. I'm there to learn, so I don't need the distractions. I don't approach you because I'm scared and somewhere inside me is still that thirteen year old girl that wants you to like me.
Now, we may never talk, and we may never meet. Even with that in mind, I am still the best friend you probably have within the classroom. I am that girl who will give anyone, like them or not, and know them or not, the very shirt off my back to help them if they are in need. I am in general that one person who will still be there in the very end. It doesn't matter if you slept with my boyfriend, and it doesn't make a difference if we have never spoke. I am still that girl who lay down her life in order to make at least one other person happy in this life. Though this is something you may never see because I keep to myself. Even then, I am the girl that realizes she may not measure up to most people's standards of beautiful. I have a few extra pounds, but tat doesn't mean that I am any less able to care. So,those things you say, even if they are behind my back, remember that I have ears, I can hear, and it does hurt.
Sure, I have my bad traits too. I trust too easily, I have a low self-esteem, I'm shy, and I get aggravated when you attack at me. All-in-all though, I am still that person who isn't always what you at first think she is. You may never realize it, but that's the beauty of this life. Each of our pasts and choices make us what we are, and from there we are left to continue to grow and interact. Without that we would be stones that sit there all day or we would all be fighting all the time. So, our lives and our choices help mold us to meet people who can help and hurt us. It is all coming down to a vicious cycle, and in the end....none of it matters. We live to die.
