Back on Track

How is it that I just managed to write an amazing paragraph and then delete it all? I really should be typing these things in word first and copy and pasting them to the blog so that I manage to not do this for the now second time. It just angers me. Well, I may not be able to completely recreate it perfect, but I'll try.

I know that I haven't been very active on my blog despite promise after promise that I would be more active on it. I am taking back all those promises, and I am sorry for being an Indian giver. I just wanted to catch everyone up on the things that have been going on over the past month. The first of them being my move and how that has effected things like my internet use. Somehow, I have just realized that I don't need the internet as much. I might go days without using it at all, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I know once I am in school and working on projects and papers again, but I have become less dependent on the computer and the internet and it is nice to have that chance to see what is out there sometimes. I often wonder if I am spending too much time hiding form the real world behind a computer screen. I tend to do that and live in fantasies in my writing instead of going out there and living life. I don't want that for myself anymore, and I am hoping that one day it won't be a problem.

Anyways, for those of you that don't know, I moved back to Georgia. It was a quick decision and a quick move to not prolong the pain of knowing I was leaving of those that I loved. I am at the decision that it was the best thing for me even after being home a bit. I wasn't enjoying the school I was attending, wasn't enjoying my job, was falling behind in my mind set, and I just plain wasn't happy with where I was. Slowly, I am turning some of that around, and in doing that I have learned more and more about myself. I am not yet at the plateau of the move. I haven't completely settled in yet, just ask my socks that are still sitting in a basket on the floor. I am back though and mostly acclimated to the lifestyle that is lived here. Though the dynamic and temperance of the place has completely changed. Anyone who has known me long enough will know exactly what that last sentence really means.

Went to the school and reapplied and somehow my past school sent the wrong transcripts. How you send transcripts that say you are still enrolled in classes that are going on while you've been moved away, I don't know. I have to fax my school in Michigan a few things to be filled out and then sent to Gordon. Then I will be all enrolled and be ready to start in January. From what I have been told, I will have a tutoring position open to me as soon as I am back too. That is nice to know, but a bit nerve wracking. I need to brush up on my MLA again. All this APA for the past few years is having me play the catch-up game, but that's okay. I know that a lot of people here don't know APA and that certain programs use it. So, I will be useful to them. I cannot say that I am not glad to have brought all my APA stuff back with me.

Since I've been home I've been able to reunite with a lot of friends and I have loved that beyond all belief. I am a people person, and to be back around people that are my peers and that I love and know love me is a great feeling. I actually feel like I am about to be twenty-five. That is not a punch at my older friends either because I love them all the same. Just at times I felt like I needed to be older than I am to understand exactly where they are coming from. It doesn't mean I love them any less, it was just different. Both still are relationships that I love and have treasured. Just the opportunity to have a few of my very close friends back in my life has made a big difference though.

Over the past two weeks my art has taken to the back burner. By time night comes, I am just too tired to mess with it lately. Maybe it's because I am dreading making these Christmas cards. Debbie was right, no one can ever make EVERYONE on their list Christmas cards. I started with a number of forty some and I've gotten ten done. Which means that I probably will get twenty total done and only send out a select few to those who really deserve and appreciate them. They are coming out beautifully though. A very vintage feel is to them, so I can say that I am very proud of most of them. A few I did too late at night and aren't quite finished looking, so I might need to go back and add some more detail to those ones. I miss working on my art though, so tonight I might make that a focus. I probably would focus more on it anyways if I got cell service out in the garage/pole barn where my little art table/studio has been formed. It's hard to not talk to a person you talk to every night. Though, I know that person would understand.

I guess I brought this person up, so I need to go there too. Isn't it funny how the world works? And maybe, dare I say it? God works. I need to jump back a bit to make this whole thing made sense. In my life, I have only ever truly loved two men. There was my first love who I barely talk to anymore and then there is this guy. We dated when we were young and neither of us were in the right mindset to date the way were or as serious as we had been. We broke it off, but we stayed good friends...till about two years ago. We had talked a lot till that point, and what happened then? He got serious with another girl. She felt threatened by me and literally deleted my number from his phone. I still talked with his Momma on occasion through text and I even sent him a letter or two. He was in southern Georgia and I was in Michigan. We knew it couldn't work that way, but didn't mean the feelings weren't still there.

About two years ago, we stopped talking completely. Besides a brief period of time when they had broke up. And me, being the idiot who always wants what is best for those I care about in life, urged him to get back with his fiancee if he loved her so much that it was the best thing that he could do was to try and get her back. Well, that was a year ago and then we stopped talking again. A week after moving back home I got a text on my phone, my Michigan number, from a number I didn't recognize. Well, I texted it back asking who it was and at first got no response, I had really bad service with Sprint in this house, so when the number called I was at odds. I googled the number since I had no idea where it was from and I noticed it was from South Georgia. I immediately thought the worst and assumed it was his fiancee.

To my surprise, it was him. We talked and I found out they had been broken up for awhile and that he had gone through quite the process to get a hold of me. He looked up my number for my home phone in Michigan and called with no answer, we never answered it and I wasn’t home anyways. Then he looked for my number from his Mom who I still talked to, but she’d cleared her numbers out of her phone to get a new one, but she’d saved a text from me on mother’s day. Anyways, he got a hold of me and we got together the next few weekends. For the past two weekends now we have spent the whole weekends together. He’s still not over his ex though so there’s nothing official going on. It is frustrating for me because I am close to him, but I am frustrated a bit by it. I care so much that it’s hard to let him do what I know he has to do. Getting the place we want to be for each other and to make it work is what we both want, so I know I need to give him space. Just taking a deep breath and trying to not to let it get to me. I don’t want to curse it, but I wonder where this might go. I have high hopes, but I need to do the thing I am not good at – have patience.

Other than that not much is new that I can really reveal yet, but I have some big things in store for myself. Wish me luck ladies and gents.

Long Lasting Memories

Tonight, for some reason, I am being haunted by the past and my mind has been stuck in that mode. Yesterday, October 3rd, my youngest sister turned eighteen, and I am sure that is part of it. Another part, is that I am talking to people from my past more and more in the recent days. Nothing wrong with that, but it seems to have made me go through all my old pictures. I ended the night in waterworks. Somewhere along the line of tonight the idea of getting an early start on bed got ruined. Where that happened, I'm not quite sure. After I got done talking to a friend, the plan had been bed... Then it all slipped away. Time has just flown by so quickly that I am looking back at some of these photographs and remembering things that I can't even imagine now. People that I barely even talk to who I have pictures of. The memories that go with each sets of pictures. I just...am at a loss right now. Where I was then, where I am now. It all is just so...wow. I know that this is the worst worded blog ever, but I think that is okay.

My sister, in this picture, is celebrating her eight birthday. EIGHT! She turned eighteen just a few hours ago. In the same album I have pictures of my brother's birthday. I look at these things and remember some crazy times. I remember playing Barbies with my older of my two sisters, Jessica, and telling my youngest sister, Amanda, that she couldn't play with us because she just didn't understand. I remember the day that we brought my brother home from the hospital for the first time. Then I think about today and how estranged things seem from these pictures. My sisters both live out on the West coast, and my brother, Jozef, is "too cool" for time to talk to his sister. And he's only sixteen now. Speaking of which, check out this next picture! Gotta say that eh still loved me then, huh? Plus, it's a little good fun in the blackmail area.

And that is just my brother and sisters that I have tortured so far. Let me continue... I have had some great friends in my life, and looking back I cannot imagine what high school, and even middle school, would have been like without a majority of them. Those memories are just as haunting. Going to wrestling matches with April and coming back exhausted. Having her straighten my hair that was well to my lower back for the first time. Getting ready for dances while she was at my house. Her running in the middle of the "photography session" that my mother was having so that she could get dolled up to be in the pictures too. Don't worry, April, I won't put up the first pictures my mom caught you with.

The same year as the above picture, I met someone who has become my best friend in this world. She is the one person who I have still kept in contact with more than any of the others. We have so many memories that I don't even know where to begin. I suppose starting with a zillion inside jokes such as, "scales," "screwdriver" and "restraining order" all would be a good beginning. Taking flowers and balloons to her house on her sixteenth birthday despite the fact we had a snow day and all the things that have happened since then. This is a memory just for her and I and Sarah, don't kill me for it.

So, I suppose only after mentioning the scales joke that I have to put up this next picture, as we might have been watching Moulin Rouge that night, and I might have had a blonde moment that more than just Sarah was there to witness. Erin, Rachelle, George, Jesse, and a few others managed to make that a memorable 16th birthday.

OH! Let's jump back for a minute because I have a few more people that I'd like to get in on this. Welcome to the eighth grade dance. Obviously, this in itself shows who I was close to by the end of eighth grade.

And to jump back we get to seventh and eight grade and my best friend of the time Rachelle. We did everything together in middle school and we went through our beginning years of puberty together. I was so close with her that I thought that friendship would never end. When that happened, I am not so sure. This was still back when slumber parties were cool, folks.

Leaving high school to an unknown place hadn't been easy, and it wasn't still Senior year that I really felt like I had a place, and that wasn't till FFA and those people that I got to work with on a close level were what got me through in a few different ways. I was able to learn and expand on my life in such a different way that this city girl would never have expected to come to. Those people that helped me meet that were close to me, and I hope that I won't be killed by any of them for putting this picture up here. Anyways, the trip that effected me most was when we all as officers, and Chris, hiked our way up to Kentucky for National Convention.

Some friends, after high school, stick around awhile, and it is interesting to look back and wonder where the lines got drawn. Still, to this day, I have friends that I miss. Looking at these pictures brought back a night of a particular bonfire that I had a blast at. The people in this picture (Paul, Tanita, and Don) have all effected my life long after high school, and that is part of the grandeur in good friendships and people you can relate to. And this night no where near explains the memories that I have had with these three friends. Though, it was the only time that the memories include the three together.

Just after high school, and also in Pike, I got to know a group of people and in that I made great friends. Those people aren't easily forgotten and that is all part f the reason that I am who I am today. Seth, Jefferey, and Ryan, don't think I've forgotten about you just yet. Those bonfires, long talks, and dreaded nights of never ending fun don't get forgotten too easily.

In high school and middle school, I was lucky enough to be able to have people to look up to that I don't know how, looking back, I would have been able to understand my on life and hardships without. Mentors are an important part of a teenager's life, and there were three people in my time of growing up that I looked up to. The memories with these three people are endless, but the importance of what these three did is unexplainable. So, for that I need to thank Coach Leissa, Mr. Davis, Melissa Bottoms, and Mr. Ransom for a world of knowledge both inside and outside of the classroom. None of it will ever be forgotten and that is part of the wonders of the world. I know that a few of you may never see this, but I know that it is truth which needs to be said, thank you.

This is all before I even get into the past loves and relationships. Those are what I could write a book on by themselves. I suppose that is part of the reason why they got saved for last. The first time I fell for a guy I was in seventh grade, and I knew that I liked this guy. I suppose I can thank the fact we had to join a club. Red Cross Club had been my choice, and I knew right away when I felt what I did. Stupid right? I guess not. He ignored me till high school and that is when things changed. Life changed a lot and the times weren't always easy, but we had made it for awhile. Those memories are so vast that they can't be touched on, but they are just as important than any others. It isn't even just the good ones either, but those are preferred. Sometimes the bad and the remembering of a heartbreak are what make me who I am today with all the relationships that I pursue. From Jesse I learned that I needed to first take a focus on me before I bring someone else into the chaos that I call life. One of the many lessons that I can thank him for. But, a favorite memory comes in this picture. Shows a lot more heart and care than I think a lot of my friends ever gave Jesse credit for, and maybe me too.

My biggest lesson from a ex though came with Clayton. I was a fool in high school, and I believed everything that I ever was told by someone. The biggest lesson that he taught me would be that not everyone can be trusted and that sometimes...not everything is what it seems. You can care for a person and still have a front and an appearance to hide yourself from them, and for that lesson I need to be thankful. Learning it fairly early in my life meant that I later would save myself some mistakes. We had a few good times, but in the end it is the lessons that count. Was it real love? I still to this day can't say. Also, I adore the random chickens in this photograph.

I suppose my point is, our lives change because of the people that have been in them. I know this is pretty deep in thought for it being one in the morning, but I felt that it was necessary to make the point that though these people may not be in my life anymore, they still effect it, even if I haven't seen you in years. Thank you for anything you've given me, and I hope that maybe I've sparked a positive memory of us back to you.

Happy Hobbit Day!

Yes, I am the total dork that 100% believes in Hobbit Day and celebrates it. One year, while taking a colloquium class on The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings trilogy I even make cupcakes for the class! today has been much more low key in terms of celebrations, though with the upcoming movie it should be a focus! Anyways, Hobbit Day exists because today is both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins' birthdays. [For all those of you that are unaware.]

So, I realize exactly how much the words of J.R.R. Tolkien actually have made a difference in my life. I know that it seems totally ridiculous to some people, but it changed something in me that I cannot even probably begin to explain. I'm going to try anyways, of course.

To begin with, the series took me out of this world when I was in a place that I needed to escape from my realities. It's a tough read, but it takes you to a whole other world that was all in the mind of Tolkien. He uses words to drag you right into the book and take you on a journey with these Hobbits in either book. The adventure is part of life. I remember being so caught up in these books that in high school I was in the pool leaning on the edge with my book on the deck so that I didn't have to stop reading. A lot of people, I have heard, cannot read the books because of the language, but that is the exact reason that I love them all so much. I needed an alternate reality just like this when I began reading these books.

Second, you get to know these characters. It isn't a flat book full of flat characters by any means. These characters have depths and motives and reasoning for what drives them to each place. Each one of them is vastly different. This is not because they are all different races either, as each of the four Hobbits in the trilogy are so vastly different because of the things and way that life effects them. You get lost and can relate to something in most of the main characters in so many different ways.

Third, it is a story about a journey, and I love the idea of journeys of all kinds. This one has an in-depth meaning of over coming fears and trials and just learning about yourself and your friendships along the way. That isn't just the trilogy either, as The Hobbit has so many of the same characteristics.

I am obsessed, and I cam okay with that. It is just part of who I am and people can accept that or ignore it or just get the hell out of my way. I'm tired of trying to change myself to fit into the world's perfect mold. Anyways, that mold is total crap anyways. Who wants to be five foot eleven inches with boobs that are pointy and perky enough to poke your eyes out? Wow, how did I get on this rant? I will save those for another day. Till then, I shall continue to incessantly count down till Peter Jackson's release of the first Hobbit movie. 83 days left.

The Hobbit's newest trailer.

A Politician's Statement, A Nation's Worry

With it getting closer and closer to election times there are a lot of politics that becoming a focus in the media and the main gate ways of people's interest. First off, I feel the disclaimer needs to be clear that I am neither Democratic nor Republican. I vote for the person who I feel immolates my morals and values in their reasoning. Recently, over the weekend a Republican Congressman, Todd Akin (from Missouri), made a comment that seems outlandish and just plain...idiotic. Instead of me trying to explain what it was that he said, I am going to insert the snippet of this televised interview here next. I'm giving the full three minute video because Todd Akin does mention another point that I'm going to touch on just before about tubal pregnancies.



First, let's define legitimate because that seems to be a whole new term in reference to rape. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online,

"Definition of LEGITIMATE 1 a : lawfully begotten; specifically : born in wedlock b : having full filial rights and obligations by birth 2 : being exactly as purposed : neither spurious nor false 3 a : accordant with law or with established legal forms and requirements b : ruling by or based on the strict principle of hereditary right 4 : conforming to recognized principles or accepted rules and standards 5 : relating to plays acted by professional actors but not including revues, burlesque, or some forms of musical comedy — le·git·i·mate·ly adverb."

From this, we can take on the assumption that Todd Akin is referencing definitions 2 and possibly 3a and 3b.

Let's start with the major issue here first. Rape is rape, and if it has been called a rape, reported as a rape, then usually there is no question to it's legitimacy. I know that there are a lot of people that 'cry wolf,' but I know that in most cases that is not the fact. To report a rape would take a lot of strength that most victims cannot build the strength to take part of, and this is not an assumption I am making. This is knowledge from personal experiences in one way or another which is not going to be shared on here.

First thing that stands out is that Akin is for tubal abortions because of the risk to the mother's health because as a nation we value human life. Then he contradicts himself when he begins to talk about rape victims and pregnancy. I cannot find a statistic, but I know that it happens. Women who cannot afford to get an abortion sometimes take on the option of suicide because they are carrying the baby of their rapist. Is it worth the turmoil, and the life of the woman because they cannot handle the knowledge of what cause the pregnancy. Let alone raising the child. This might be a rare case, but it is still something that should be put up for consideration.

Akin then says, "People always want to try to make that as one of those things well, how do ya, how do ya, slice this particularly though sort of ethical question. . ." Of course it is a though ethical question! There is no "making" it into one. Ethics itself is defined as something that is questioned and has two different view points because of moral and valued stances. Well, Akin thinking that abortion is not okay when someone is pregnant by cause of rape (though he seems to think it's impossible) itself proves that it is something that can ethically be questioned. There is no forcing it into being an ethical debate. Maybe I am completely mishearing him, but it seems ridiculous to me.

Now, to the thing that I think upsets me the most. Akin mentions that somehow a woman's body "shuts down" and magically it somehow will prevent itself from pregnancy when being "legitimately" raped. I have heard of mother's who see their children in a burning car or something who get an adrenaline rush and do some crazy things to get their child from the car, but never have I ever heard of a woman's body turning itself off because it was being attacked in any form. Is this why women don't report abuse too, Akin? They just turn their bodies off from feeling the pain? Anyways, to the point. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) has these statistics about rape and pregnancies. I've also included all the descriptions in how these numbers can be misleading to prevent any questions on such.

"Pregnancies Resulting from Rape:

~In 2004-2005, 64,080 women were raped. According to medical reports, the incidence of pregnancy for one-time unprotected sexual intercourse is 5%. By applying the pregnancy rate to 64,080 women, RAINN estimates that there were 3,204 pregnancies as a result of rape during that period.

This calculation does not account for the following factors which could lower the actual number of pregnancies:

~Rape, as defined by the NCVS, is forced sexual intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse means vaginal, oral, or anal penetration by offender(s). This category includes incidents where the penetration is from a foreign object such as a bottle. Certain types of rape under this definition cannot cause pregnancy.
~Some victims of rape may be utilizing birth control methods, such as the pill, which will prevent pregnancy.
~Some rapists may wear condoms in an effort to avoid DNA detection.
~Vicims of rape may not be able to become pregnant for medical or age-related reasons.

This calculation does not account for the following factors which could raise the actual number of pregnancies:

~Medical estimates of a 5% pregnancy rate are for one-time, unprotected sexual intercourse. Some victimizations may include multiple incidents of intercourse.
~Because of methodology, NCVS does not measure the victimization of Americans age 12 or younger. Rapes of these young people could results in pregnancies not accounted for in RAINN's estimates."

Taking the number 3,204 (which is RAINN's estimate for a two year period) and multiplying it by 3.5 (the amount of sets of two years since those statistics came out), then you get approximately 11,214 women since 2005 who have gotten pregnant by rape excluding those calculation mishaps which are mentioned in the above quote. So, I suppose that "maybe that didn't work" comment that Akin makes happens to a lot of women who are "legitimately raped" or his theory is just all sorts of wrong. I know my choice on that option, and I think everyone should feel free to make their own choice to believe this buffoon or not.

Two more things that I think need touched on with this. I think the people would like to meet and interview these "doctors" that Akin is referencing. Not only would they like to ask them questions, but I imagine a lot of people would like to see the scientific proof that backs their theory. I called my doctor on this issue because I wanted to see her option. She told me that it was absolute false, but who believes my gynecologist? She is just a woman who is in the field and sees pregnancies on a day-to-day basis. The second and last thing I want to touch on, that interviewer knew that things were going sour. He switched that topic to economy fairly quickly once Akin stopped talking. Good for the interviewer.

What is sad is that this blog, or the comment that Akin made, will not keep him from office. People will still blindly put faith in this man.

Effects of People

I haven't kept up with this lately, and through the encouragement of two people that I would call close to me - that is going to change now. I know I have said that I would keep this up once or twice before, but I am hoping to stick to my guns this time. Anyways, on to the point.

People in everyone's life play some part of importance. It doesn't matter if they appear only for short amounts of time or if they stay forever. Either way, that person has made an effect (or should this be affect?) on us in one way or another. I myself get to experience this just a much as many other will, but if I have learned one thing about it, it is that these people, no matter how long in our lives, teach us much needed lessons.

To the lifelong friend from high school,

Thank you for the lesson that there is more to friendships than a one way street. To know that a true friend helps to focus not only on his/herself but also on yourself. For all the great advice given, even if I have never listened to it, and for being there even when I am at my weakest. Over the past nine years we have been through enormous trials and tribulations, and we have over came each one by never loosing hope in the friendship that we acquired. A time or two, we hit a bump and went separate ways, but you are the one person who has seen and loved me for my weaknesses and strengths. It has been a trait which I do hope you feel that I have returned, but always a moment in time that I never will forget. The lesson is one which I try to make strive in all friendships that I continue to carry out in this lifetime.

To the first love,

For the lesson of heartbreak and an ever lasting love, I can now thank you. Though many other lessons were learned this is the one that has stuck with me the longest, and it will not wane. Love is an experience that once gotten is the hardest to erase, but the knowledge of heartbreak is an even harder feeling to erase. You gave me the first feeling of that, and though others have followed it was a lesson that only hits the way it had, at it's hardest, the first time. Since, I have been cautious with love and with the chance to get heartbroken.

To the instructor who made a difference without trying,

Without effort, or probably knowledge that you have done it, you have taught me the ever life changing lesson in constant search for knowledge. You opened a world up to me that I had barely known existed and with that the passion for something that will forever be part of my life. I never thought that a person, or class, would ever have such an impression on my life. In your class a whole new interest in things that I did not know grew. It is a lesson that I still search for the end to come, but I have found that forever there will be some new facet to explore.

To the all friends who left,

Thank you for the lesson in honesty. You honesty in not caring for me for exactly the person I am has made me realize that I do not need you, or people like you, in my life to hold me back. If you cannot handle the me that gets down on herself when treated terribly, then you certainly do not deserve all the loyalty and compassion that I would give to you as a friend. For this kind of friendship, I have learned that I will only be crushed by your lack of concern to give back in a friendship. You do treat friendships like a one way street, and in the end, this will be your own loneliness staring you in the face.

To the boss who I left,

The lesson in respect in myself is one that I never would have been able to accomplish without you. With the respect that I have always had for other people, it was not often that I kept any of that respect for myself. What happened in that situation taught me that I need to have that respect in myself because if I didn't people, of all kinds, will walk over me. That pride and respect for myself and the abilities that I know I have has been renewed to full strength, and I can only thank you for it.

To those I have not met yet,

Thank you for all the lessons I can learn from you.

Many other people could have been included in this, but these are the lessons that I feel have shaped me the most for who I truly am today. Obviously, I have no included any family who have taught me some of the most influential lessons, but I wanted to focus on those who were in our lives by choice, not force, who can effect it and leave at their, or your, whims.

New Plan for this blog - out the window.

I don't feel like doing it anymore, honestly. Tonight's is going to be short, but I figure no one will ever read this stupid blog, and I don't want to loose these next words. Ignore that previous run-on (and this fragment).

"If I am going to perish, then let me first appear as striking as the blossom, let me wither to the feeling of a winter breeze upon my skin. Disappearing into oblivion and bereavement like the perennial."

~Me

Life's Little Instruction Book

I have been considering a new way to make sure that I work on this blog everyday like I truly want to, but it is still not a guarantee. Anyways, I have this book titled Life's Little Instruction Book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., and within this book is, "511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life." I plan on daily looking at one or two of these and seeing how I feel about them. The copyright date on the book is from 1991, so I am not sure how relevant some of these are. We will find out over the next year as I take a look at some of these instructions and see how they can affect, or is it effect, our everyday lives. Anyways, on with the first few!

"1. Compliment three people everyday."

I try to do this whenever I am sitting at the front desk at my work. I find that doing this is a real encouragement to people, but it seems a daily task that has slipped out of the minds and everyday sincerity of people and society as a whole. Life used to be different than it is now, and with that there has been a strong sense of community lost. Not only was it that you once knew everyone's name, but you would sit and have a small chit-chat keep the acquaintances up. Compliments on the simple and little things seemed to change the everyday conversation easily.

Now, we run across more people daily than I would expect people did 30, let alone 50, years ago. To say a small compliment to three people in a day should be easy, but in this society people are too fast paced and they are too quick to get on with everything that they need to do that this art is dying. People and small compliments to a person, whether friend or stranger, seems to have been left to the wayside. It matters not that this small simple compliment could change around someone, anyone's day, all that matters is that we are getting done what we need to as fast as possible so that we can move on with our day and tasks. The old style of a slow life seems to have slipped away to the fast-paced business days and with this we have love an era that we may never get back.

To take the time to pay three small compliments a day is maybe two minutes total out of your day. There is no reason that someone cannot take the time to give that small confidence to someone else.

"2. Have a dog."

I think that someone should tell my father about this rule because right now we are at the point where he is refusing to let me get a dog. There is no elaboration on this comment in the book, but I have a strong feeling that there are many benefits to having a dog. The first option for me would not be sitting at home alone most nights. It is nice to have company when no one else around and a dog is usually enough work with the walks, feeding, playing, and pottying that it is like having company there with you. That is one of the benefits of a dog just off hand that I can think of. I do not plan on looking at the statistics and the actual numbers, but it is said that having a dog helps you live longer. Who could ever complain with that? There isn't much else that I can say on the topic. Well, I am sure that there is, but I think it is obvious that I agree with this one.

"That Girl"

You know, I have spent my whole life being the person who is always there to listen, and is always the person to give advice and to help her friends in times of trouble. I basically feel like doing that has gotten me to become a walking doormat. One of my friends was talking to me and he said that I was, "That girl he knew he could always count on. He was glad to see I had become that girl again." We will call this friend, James, just for the sake of the argument. I apparently hadn't been "that girl" a few nights before because I got pissed that our phone conversation started with me saying I had a shitty week, and then James continued to say, "Yeah, me too," and then tell me everything that was wrong in his life. Anyways, so he said "that girl," and I got really upset. I then asked, "Who is that girl? What is she to you? Really, who am I?" He got pissed, told me nevermind, and he hung up. He got upset because he thinks and precieves me as this great person who does everything for everyone else with no respect or need in return.

Another friend, Jake, so we'll say, told me, when I went into a rant about why I was down and how I felt like shit that I was basically taking for granted my life, and that I was stupid because everything that I was going through wasn't anything. Maybe, to him, it was nothing, but it was a really big deal to me. It is over and over again with many of my friend, coincidentally all male, that this bull shit keeps happening with. I can care all I want, but in the end it is never enough for my "friends" to listen and give a shit back. Only they matter, and I am a mess that can just be piled on the side of the road for all that they care.

Maybe I am just tired of being that person who is the doormat to a revolving door. There is only so much I can give of myself to people and not get anything in return. I'm loosing friends over it, and it is bullshit, but it is life. Nothing can be done to stop it. Maybe becoming this person who is a bit colder will show me who really cares and has time to "waste" on caring about me back.

Bubble Wrap

So, I was talking to one of my male friends very late one night. He was drunk, and possibly a big high, when we got onto this topic. I don't remember how it came up, and I don't know what we had been actually discussing when it did come up. Anyways, he said, "Women are fragile. They need bubble wrap." He was insinuating that men were the "bubble wrap" to women to help protect them from this world. I thought a long time about this, and I can really see if from a few different views. I think that it was kind of important to touch on.

At first, I thought my friend, we'll call him Jacob for the case of this blog, was just being a masochistic pig. Then I really started to think about what he said. There are still women out there that are waiting for Mr. Right to come and sweep them up from the ground, save them (like the damsel in distress), and want him to be the protector. Maybe it is our primal needs in some aspect because we realize that we are slightly "fragile" (another of his words when we were on this topic). I do not think that women see themselves as fragile, but I think they like the idea that their significant other would protect them if for some reason they were not able to care for themselves.

What about women who don't like men? Do lesbians want that same trait in their female counterparts? Do those women still search for the protection and "bubble wrap" from their partner? It raises questions that I, by no means, know the answer nor can predict the answers to. I don't know how those women feel and want, but I can imagine that it is much like any other person that it is specific to who they are.

Also, there are very self-dependent and very independent women. They are strong as they are. I am also not in this group, but these women are generally strong and full of their own will. They are used to doing everything by themselves for themselves. Would they want a protective bubble wrap to suddenly enclose on them and become over bearing and suffocating? I don't think so. I think that they would feel like they needed to protect themselves because not only would they have a hard time to let someone else protect them, but they would find themselves strong enough to do it on their own. Once again, I don't know, but these are my thoughts.

And what about women who are like me? Those that let the primal instinct out, and they want to feel the comfort of the protection from their counter part? Are those women "silly," "foolish," and taking the feminism movement back five steps from where it has gotten? I like to think not. I like to think that liking and feeling comfort from that trait in your significant other is a good thing. It is part of what make a pair a couple. You play against the strengths and weaknesses of yourself and the other person to make each other stronger. I don't think that looking for that trait hurts the feminism movement because it isn't wishing I had less rights, it is just hoping that I can find someone who I am comfortable enough to be around.

All-in-all, I don't think that every woman wants the "bubble wrap," but I do think that it is something that every man should see if his counter part is looking for it, and if he has that trait. I also think that every woman should know and feel around to see if she feels like she needs that extra protection in the world, or if she doesn't want it at all. Could a person who has it and a person who doesn't want it work out? Maybe, but I am no relationship expert to know. I guess it is just something that I really needed to look at and into myself to find my own answers about, and I think that others should think about it as well.

Early Morning Rambles

I often wonder who I am,and what has made me to be what I am. The answers to that come in the general variety such as, "You are you," and, "Every instance of your life has made you that way," and I will say that I agree with those. In theory of my mind we each have a zillion selves that we could have turned into. It is the matter that we made the choice to do this instead of that which changed us, or that we turned left instead of right at the corner. I have come to believe that each choice and each moment of our lives turns us into something different then having done the opposite in that moment and time would make us to be. I don't know if there is some scientific name for the idea, but in my mind it is the closest thing to truth that I can think of because in my mind I know that if I had done some things differently that different doors would have opened and I would be different. I would have had to make some different choices and maybe even have different demons that haunt me.

I realize that I am not free from faults, and I realize things I could have done to change that, but in the end... I am not sure that changing those things back then would have made me a better person then I am today. I don't know that for sure, but how can I say that making different choices would change who I am for the better instead of the worst? I can't and no one ever really can. It is an amazing concept in my head. Who is to say that if I took the SATs that I would have gotten high enough of a score to apply for a larger college? How can I know that if I had taken the offer to join the military after scoring high on my ASVAB, that I would still be going out to be an English Major in the end? For tonight, though, I have heard enough about my faults that I don't care to focus on them or the possibilities of the other personalities I could be. I want to focus a bit on who I am.

Who am I? I am the girl that sits at the front row of the class in the middle. I am that girl that most people look over or ignore because I may come off as a brown noser. Add to that the fact that I am a very shy person who will, generally, not approach you to make conversation due to a poor self-esteem, and you are left with a person who becomes a slight loner within the social circles and areas pertaining to friends. What makes everything come off this way? I do, and some misunderstandings on the observers' part do. I am not the brown noser you think I am. I am that girl that has a passion for teaching so much that she wants to understand what it feels like to be that professor up there talking before us. Which also explains why I sit where I do. It is not because I want to be buddy buddy with the professor - it is because I realize that I can see better there. I won't be distracted by that guy on the third row staring down the shirt of the voluptuous blond next to him or that girl in the back who's pen keeps wiggling back and forth while she moves it between her fingers. I'm not there for that. I'm there to learn, so I don't need the distractions. I don't approach you because I'm scared and somewhere inside me is still that thirteen year old girl that wants you to like me.

Now, we may never talk, and we may never meet. Even with that in mind, I am still the best friend you probably have within the classroom. I am that girl who will give anyone, like them or not, and know them or not, the very shirt off my back to help them if they are in need. I am in general that one person who will still be there in the very end. It doesn't matter if you slept with my boyfriend, and it doesn't make a difference if we have never spoke. I am still that girl who lay down her life in order to make at least one other person happy in this life. Though this is something you may never see because I keep to myself. Even then, I am the girl that realizes she may not measure up to most people's standards of beautiful. I have a few extra pounds, but tat doesn't mean that I am any less able to care. So,those things you say, even if they are behind my back, remember that I have ears, I can hear, and it does hurt.

Sure, I have my bad traits too. I trust too easily, I have a low self-esteem, I'm shy, and I get aggravated when you attack at me. All-in-all though, I am still that person who isn't always what you at first think she is. You may never realize it, but that's the beauty of this life. Each of our pasts and choices make us what we are, and from there we are left to continue to grow and interact. Without that we would be stones that sit there all day or we would all be fighting all the time. So, our lives and our choices help mold us to meet people who can help and hurt us. It is all coming down to a vicious cycle, and in the end....none of it matters. We live to die.

Arms vs. Shirts (7/25/2010)*

I think that during the time span of Mid-May that I was able to have some amazing conversations, and through the honestly of the situation I found out a lot not only about myself but about my friends too. To give a little background, without all the details, Brad**, was dealing with a few female issues. He was in love with a girl for six years who wasn't sure what she wanted during that time span. He seemed to be vaguely blind to the fact, so he's said something about her always keeping her an arm's length away.

It made me really think before replying to him, but I wanted this nice guy to realize that she wasn't interested. After a bit I replied to his text with, "You said she was keeping you an arm's length away. The fact that she is pushing you away instead of grabbing your shirt and pulling you closer seems to be a sign she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. She's keeping that distance for a reason." Men, for as good as they claim to be, at getting hints in all actuality seem to be terrible at picking up the biggest of hints.

When a woman leads you on for weeks, months, or even possibly years.. something is off. In the specific case above it was just timing, but generally there are bigger issues that are there. Women, in my opinion, are generally very silly creatures that don't truly want to hurt someone that they are close with in ANY way. So, when there is a guy who is friends with a girl that holds them that "arms length away" it is generally to not play hard to get. It is the way to tell the friend that there is no more then a friendship there. There are always exceptions, but those are far and few between.

All-in-all, women are simple creatures. If they want a male friend to be more than a friend, then the arm's length distance will disappear. My way of seeing things is to grip their shirt and pull them closer. It may not in reality be so pronounced, as some people are more shy then others. Any woman who really wants a friend as more won't play hard to get for too long.

If it is through about simply, then this metaphor really shouldn't be too hard to understand. Men's idea is that the arm's length is just "playing hard to get," but what needs to be clear is such: playing hard to get lasts minutes, hours, or maybe a day or two. If it has been any longer than a week (MAYBE two), then she is sending you a very different signal to try and prevent hurting you. Don't hold on too tightly to the friend that is holding you at a distance.



* Note: Date written.
** Name change

Impatience (7/25/2010)*

So, patience is a virtue, and it has never been a virtue that I have not had much practice in. Though a conversation that I have with one of my newer friends, Brad**, in Mid-May, I said something that really stood out in my mind. We had been talking about the fact that we both were very impatient people - specially in the ways of relationships and being single. The wittiest and most true thing I have ever told him came out, "I guess the way that I view impatience is that you can't really be impatient without already knowing exactly what you want." I didn't at that time realize how smart what I said was. People in this world are all about fast paced and perfect. In Brad and my case we had been discussing relationships, but it was a theory that I realized I can apply to all aspects of my life.

I am frustrated with school and how long it has been taking me and how long I have left. I am impatient with school because I know what my eventual goal is. I want to teach at a college, and I am ready to just be there. So, I am trying to rush things and get it all done as quickly as possible to reach that goal. Instead of enjoying my life I realize exactly what I want, and I reach for it.

Even in relationships, the original topic from the comment, I am the same way. I'm not the only one though. Brad is kinda my proof of that. He want his "Pam" (enter The Office jokes here) and his "Jenny" (Forest Gump). He was impatient because he saw exactly what he wanted and knew exactly who she was. In the end, his impatience has paid off. They are happy, and nothing in my life has been able to make me happier then seeing two friends happy. I see what I want in the guys I date, and I despise knowing exactly what I want in the relationships... my impatience is just going to have to continue to grow. It'll come eventually, right?

I'm not saying impatience is a good thing, but in theory it seems to prove that you know what you want. Looking at life, impatience is this huge indicator that you know the direction you want your mind and life to go in. Sure, we have to wait it out to reach those goals, but who would we be without a little bit of a wait? We wouldn't know how great it was to have what we'd wanted if we didn't wait. So, the next time you realize that you are impatient with anything going on in your life. Take a minute to wonder why you are so impatient.

Maybe my theory is just a spoof. That is why it is a theory. Maybe it is just how I see things, but I would make a bet that it is because there is a specific goal or outcome that you expect or want from the situation. In the end, that is good cause from impatience we also usually have to have a deal of patience to reach those goals and relationships. Why let life go any way but exactly how you want it to? Your life is yours, and all those things that you are impatient for... reach out and go after them.

*Note: This was the date that this blog was written.
**Note: Name has been changed.

Extra Baggage (7/25/2010)*

I love my cousin, and in most thing in my life she has been the rock that I rely on. What I say may hurt her a little bit if she reads this, but I do think she will understand. With my recent move to Michigan she has once again helped me by making me as comfortable as possible with her friends that have become very good friends also to me. I adore her, and I adore the friends that have come from such actions. It is just sometimes I feel like extra baggage that was invited on a technicality. I know that I am probably over reacting, but it is just the fact that I don't want them to feel like that towards me.

If they do not want me there, then I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to invite me. I am grown-up and mature enough to accept that they are her friends first. There is a reason that they became friends. Now, my cousin and I are related, but we are very different people. That is not an insult either because we have seen different things in this world to form the amazing people we both are. I just hope that with these new friends that I have met that it isn't that they stay friends with me just because of my cousin. I want to be liked and invited to these group events because of me and not an obligation.

Maybe I am just being overly insecure, and I do realize that is a possibility. I just hope that once my cousin leaves for school that I do not loose the only life lines in the friend area that I have in Michigan. Time will tell. I know that even if it is just that I am extra baggage, and all these people desert me... I will be okay. I'm a strong person, right? Plus, I could be totally wrong. I jsut don't put much faith in any possibilities anymore.

*Note: This was written on such date on paper with a pen. I am trying to do that first for my own personal reasons lately.

Writeable

Yes, I know that the title isn't technically a word, and I do not really care. The quote that is on the design layout that I currently have really got me to thinking. Yes, everyone can write about anything if they just grow a pair to do it, but does that mean that it is readable and interesting enough to want to read? All in all, I am not sure of the answer. This is just one of the many thoughts that are going through my mind right now. So, here's your outline:

~ Beds are always too big with only one person in them.


Okay, bed's are always too big. Period. It does not matter if it is a twin sized bed. If you are in it alone, then it is always too big. Beds were made for sleeping and cuddling and all that other stuff that I won't go into on here. Anyways, after this weekend getting to be cuddled up in a full (maybe a queen) sized bed this past weekend when we went out. It was so not fun to come home to my twin at home. It has nothing to do with the size because it is big enough for me (it always has been). I just have realized that it is so lonely and cold in my bed. I don't know how to fix it, but I know that it makes me realize a lot. I don't want to be alone forever, and I don't want to wake up when I am thirty and still be sleeping in a bed by myself. I've always wanted to get serious with someone and then after school settle down. Right now....it doesn't seem to be too happy looking. I am sure it will come, but I hate to be patient and I am very very impatient. I'm scared that I am going to be alone my whole life, and I am trying to not let that rule in my decisions. I know it has though, so I am working out on stopping that. This weekend helped a lot.

Eh, I'm going with short today. I just can't keep my mind on task.

Does Curiostiy Really Kill the Cat?

I started this blogging thing because I know I like to write, and writing has been a great aspect of my life. Plus, I guess this gives me a bit of a place to vent and maybe talk about some funny, interesting, or my opinions and ideals on things. Who knows this could become fun and almost interesting. So, to the title of this blog. Is it true? We as people become curious about everything in our lives that is presented before us. Of course, some more then others. Even then - is it eventually the end of us?

I don't think so. I think that curiosity is how we learn and how we see things. Without curiosity we would all be left doing the same things in and out of our lives. None of us would get the chance to experience new things or to meet new people. Good portions of our lives have been defined by the pure curiosity of us as people. That is how when we were babies we learned how to crawl and to walk. It is not just simply a thing that every child goes through in my mind. In reality, to me, it is that experience of realizing that people around us are moving and walking around. We want that, so we get curious enough to try to roll, crawl, stand, and walk.

Without curiosity I would have never tried my hand at painting, even if it is only those extravagant paint by number ones. I was curious if I could do it. I never had a hand for art, but I figured, "Hey, they have numbers! I can do that," and I could.

Curiosity is what drives us to meet new people. Sure, there may be that "attraction" when it comes to matters of the opposite sex, but there is that curiosity that drives us to want to know more. We urge to learn and see if there is that right person in the person that we were originally attracted and curious of. The curiosity of meeting and wanting to know a person is like being a child when Christmas or a Birthday is coming and your parents' closet is locked. You that something is inside of that closet, but you have that urge to break in and just learn everything.

It is even what drives us to meet some of our friends. I worked with one of my friends for a whole semester before I really got to know her. She was a quack, in a good way, and I love her all the more for it. She is a hyper, sometimes very one way focused, and the sweetest person I have ever met. I really never would have approached her and gotten to know her if it had not been the sheer curiosity for the quietness of this person that I had worked with for so long. Sure, there was also the push that we would be the only two left the next coming semester. I could have not tried though, but I wanted to learn about the person behind this short, giddy, and quiet woman. I am happy I did because I have gained a great friend from it.

All-in-all, I don't think curiosity is a bad thing all the time. It brings us the people we love and care about in our lives. It helps us grow to be what is expected and what isn't always expected of us. Sure, curiosity has it downfalls, but I know I wouldn't have changed most my experiences with it. So, I am not a cat, but I do not think that the cat must always die from the hand of curiosity.

Testing

Yes, I am a dork for trying to figure out how to do this. 1...2....3...