Effects of People

I haven't kept up with this lately, and through the encouragement of two people that I would call close to me - that is going to change now. I know I have said that I would keep this up once or twice before, but I am hoping to stick to my guns this time. Anyways, on to the point.

People in everyone's life play some part of importance. It doesn't matter if they appear only for short amounts of time or if they stay forever. Either way, that person has made an effect (or should this be affect?) on us in one way or another. I myself get to experience this just a much as many other will, but if I have learned one thing about it, it is that these people, no matter how long in our lives, teach us much needed lessons.

To the lifelong friend from high school,

Thank you for the lesson that there is more to friendships than a one way street. To know that a true friend helps to focus not only on his/herself but also on yourself. For all the great advice given, even if I have never listened to it, and for being there even when I am at my weakest. Over the past nine years we have been through enormous trials and tribulations, and we have over came each one by never loosing hope in the friendship that we acquired. A time or two, we hit a bump and went separate ways, but you are the one person who has seen and loved me for my weaknesses and strengths. It has been a trait which I do hope you feel that I have returned, but always a moment in time that I never will forget. The lesson is one which I try to make strive in all friendships that I continue to carry out in this lifetime.

To the first love,

For the lesson of heartbreak and an ever lasting love, I can now thank you. Though many other lessons were learned this is the one that has stuck with me the longest, and it will not wane. Love is an experience that once gotten is the hardest to erase, but the knowledge of heartbreak is an even harder feeling to erase. You gave me the first feeling of that, and though others have followed it was a lesson that only hits the way it had, at it's hardest, the first time. Since, I have been cautious with love and with the chance to get heartbroken.

To the instructor who made a difference without trying,

Without effort, or probably knowledge that you have done it, you have taught me the ever life changing lesson in constant search for knowledge. You opened a world up to me that I had barely known existed and with that the passion for something that will forever be part of my life. I never thought that a person, or class, would ever have such an impression on my life. In your class a whole new interest in things that I did not know grew. It is a lesson that I still search for the end to come, but I have found that forever there will be some new facet to explore.

To the all friends who left,

Thank you for the lesson in honesty. You honesty in not caring for me for exactly the person I am has made me realize that I do not need you, or people like you, in my life to hold me back. If you cannot handle the me that gets down on herself when treated terribly, then you certainly do not deserve all the loyalty and compassion that I would give to you as a friend. For this kind of friendship, I have learned that I will only be crushed by your lack of concern to give back in a friendship. You do treat friendships like a one way street, and in the end, this will be your own loneliness staring you in the face.

To the boss who I left,

The lesson in respect in myself is one that I never would have been able to accomplish without you. With the respect that I have always had for other people, it was not often that I kept any of that respect for myself. What happened in that situation taught me that I need to have that respect in myself because if I didn't people, of all kinds, will walk over me. That pride and respect for myself and the abilities that I know I have has been renewed to full strength, and I can only thank you for it.

To those I have not met yet,

Thank you for all the lessons I can learn from you.

Many other people could have been included in this, but these are the lessons that I feel have shaped me the most for who I truly am today. Obviously, I have no included any family who have taught me some of the most influential lessons, but I wanted to focus on those who were in our lives by choice, not force, who can effect it and leave at their, or your, whims.

New Plan for this blog - out the window.

I don't feel like doing it anymore, honestly. Tonight's is going to be short, but I figure no one will ever read this stupid blog, and I don't want to loose these next words. Ignore that previous run-on (and this fragment).

"If I am going to perish, then let me first appear as striking as the blossom, let me wither to the feeling of a winter breeze upon my skin. Disappearing into oblivion and bereavement like the perennial."

~Me

Life's Little Instruction Book

I have been considering a new way to make sure that I work on this blog everyday like I truly want to, but it is still not a guarantee. Anyways, I have this book titled Life's Little Instruction Book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., and within this book is, "511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life." I plan on daily looking at one or two of these and seeing how I feel about them. The copyright date on the book is from 1991, so I am not sure how relevant some of these are. We will find out over the next year as I take a look at some of these instructions and see how they can affect, or is it effect, our everyday lives. Anyways, on with the first few!

"1. Compliment three people everyday."

I try to do this whenever I am sitting at the front desk at my work. I find that doing this is a real encouragement to people, but it seems a daily task that has slipped out of the minds and everyday sincerity of people and society as a whole. Life used to be different than it is now, and with that there has been a strong sense of community lost. Not only was it that you once knew everyone's name, but you would sit and have a small chit-chat keep the acquaintances up. Compliments on the simple and little things seemed to change the everyday conversation easily.

Now, we run across more people daily than I would expect people did 30, let alone 50, years ago. To say a small compliment to three people in a day should be easy, but in this society people are too fast paced and they are too quick to get on with everything that they need to do that this art is dying. People and small compliments to a person, whether friend or stranger, seems to have been left to the wayside. It matters not that this small simple compliment could change around someone, anyone's day, all that matters is that we are getting done what we need to as fast as possible so that we can move on with our day and tasks. The old style of a slow life seems to have slipped away to the fast-paced business days and with this we have love an era that we may never get back.

To take the time to pay three small compliments a day is maybe two minutes total out of your day. There is no reason that someone cannot take the time to give that small confidence to someone else.

"2. Have a dog."

I think that someone should tell my father about this rule because right now we are at the point where he is refusing to let me get a dog. There is no elaboration on this comment in the book, but I have a strong feeling that there are many benefits to having a dog. The first option for me would not be sitting at home alone most nights. It is nice to have company when no one else around and a dog is usually enough work with the walks, feeding, playing, and pottying that it is like having company there with you. That is one of the benefits of a dog just off hand that I can think of. I do not plan on looking at the statistics and the actual numbers, but it is said that having a dog helps you live longer. Who could ever complain with that? There isn't much else that I can say on the topic. Well, I am sure that there is, but I think it is obvious that I agree with this one.

"That Girl"

You know, I have spent my whole life being the person who is always there to listen, and is always the person to give advice and to help her friends in times of trouble. I basically feel like doing that has gotten me to become a walking doormat. One of my friends was talking to me and he said that I was, "That girl he knew he could always count on. He was glad to see I had become that girl again." We will call this friend, James, just for the sake of the argument. I apparently hadn't been "that girl" a few nights before because I got pissed that our phone conversation started with me saying I had a shitty week, and then James continued to say, "Yeah, me too," and then tell me everything that was wrong in his life. Anyways, so he said "that girl," and I got really upset. I then asked, "Who is that girl? What is she to you? Really, who am I?" He got pissed, told me nevermind, and he hung up. He got upset because he thinks and precieves me as this great person who does everything for everyone else with no respect or need in return.

Another friend, Jake, so we'll say, told me, when I went into a rant about why I was down and how I felt like shit that I was basically taking for granted my life, and that I was stupid because everything that I was going through wasn't anything. Maybe, to him, it was nothing, but it was a really big deal to me. It is over and over again with many of my friend, coincidentally all male, that this bull shit keeps happening with. I can care all I want, but in the end it is never enough for my "friends" to listen and give a shit back. Only they matter, and I am a mess that can just be piled on the side of the road for all that they care.

Maybe I am just tired of being that person who is the doormat to a revolving door. There is only so much I can give of myself to people and not get anything in return. I'm loosing friends over it, and it is bullshit, but it is life. Nothing can be done to stop it. Maybe becoming this person who is a bit colder will show me who really cares and has time to "waste" on caring about me back.

Bubble Wrap

So, I was talking to one of my male friends very late one night. He was drunk, and possibly a big high, when we got onto this topic. I don't remember how it came up, and I don't know what we had been actually discussing when it did come up. Anyways, he said, "Women are fragile. They need bubble wrap." He was insinuating that men were the "bubble wrap" to women to help protect them from this world. I thought a long time about this, and I can really see if from a few different views. I think that it was kind of important to touch on.

At first, I thought my friend, we'll call him Jacob for the case of this blog, was just being a masochistic pig. Then I really started to think about what he said. There are still women out there that are waiting for Mr. Right to come and sweep them up from the ground, save them (like the damsel in distress), and want him to be the protector. Maybe it is our primal needs in some aspect because we realize that we are slightly "fragile" (another of his words when we were on this topic). I do not think that women see themselves as fragile, but I think they like the idea that their significant other would protect them if for some reason they were not able to care for themselves.

What about women who don't like men? Do lesbians want that same trait in their female counterparts? Do those women still search for the protection and "bubble wrap" from their partner? It raises questions that I, by no means, know the answer nor can predict the answers to. I don't know how those women feel and want, but I can imagine that it is much like any other person that it is specific to who they are.

Also, there are very self-dependent and very independent women. They are strong as they are. I am also not in this group, but these women are generally strong and full of their own will. They are used to doing everything by themselves for themselves. Would they want a protective bubble wrap to suddenly enclose on them and become over bearing and suffocating? I don't think so. I think that they would feel like they needed to protect themselves because not only would they have a hard time to let someone else protect them, but they would find themselves strong enough to do it on their own. Once again, I don't know, but these are my thoughts.

And what about women who are like me? Those that let the primal instinct out, and they want to feel the comfort of the protection from their counter part? Are those women "silly," "foolish," and taking the feminism movement back five steps from where it has gotten? I like to think not. I like to think that liking and feeling comfort from that trait in your significant other is a good thing. It is part of what make a pair a couple. You play against the strengths and weaknesses of yourself and the other person to make each other stronger. I don't think that looking for that trait hurts the feminism movement because it isn't wishing I had less rights, it is just hoping that I can find someone who I am comfortable enough to be around.

All-in-all, I don't think that every woman wants the "bubble wrap," but I do think that it is something that every man should see if his counter part is looking for it, and if he has that trait. I also think that every woman should know and feel around to see if she feels like she needs that extra protection in the world, or if she doesn't want it at all. Could a person who has it and a person who doesn't want it work out? Maybe, but I am no relationship expert to know. I guess it is just something that I really needed to look at and into myself to find my own answers about, and I think that others should think about it as well.

Early Morning Rambles

I often wonder who I am,and what has made me to be what I am. The answers to that come in the general variety such as, "You are you," and, "Every instance of your life has made you that way," and I will say that I agree with those. In theory of my mind we each have a zillion selves that we could have turned into. It is the matter that we made the choice to do this instead of that which changed us, or that we turned left instead of right at the corner. I have come to believe that each choice and each moment of our lives turns us into something different then having done the opposite in that moment and time would make us to be. I don't know if there is some scientific name for the idea, but in my mind it is the closest thing to truth that I can think of because in my mind I know that if I had done some things differently that different doors would have opened and I would be different. I would have had to make some different choices and maybe even have different demons that haunt me.

I realize that I am not free from faults, and I realize things I could have done to change that, but in the end... I am not sure that changing those things back then would have made me a better person then I am today. I don't know that for sure, but how can I say that making different choices would change who I am for the better instead of the worst? I can't and no one ever really can. It is an amazing concept in my head. Who is to say that if I took the SATs that I would have gotten high enough of a score to apply for a larger college? How can I know that if I had taken the offer to join the military after scoring high on my ASVAB, that I would still be going out to be an English Major in the end? For tonight, though, I have heard enough about my faults that I don't care to focus on them or the possibilities of the other personalities I could be. I want to focus a bit on who I am.

Who am I? I am the girl that sits at the front row of the class in the middle. I am that girl that most people look over or ignore because I may come off as a brown noser. Add to that the fact that I am a very shy person who will, generally, not approach you to make conversation due to a poor self-esteem, and you are left with a person who becomes a slight loner within the social circles and areas pertaining to friends. What makes everything come off this way? I do, and some misunderstandings on the observers' part do. I am not the brown noser you think I am. I am that girl that has a passion for teaching so much that she wants to understand what it feels like to be that professor up there talking before us. Which also explains why I sit where I do. It is not because I want to be buddy buddy with the professor - it is because I realize that I can see better there. I won't be distracted by that guy on the third row staring down the shirt of the voluptuous blond next to him or that girl in the back who's pen keeps wiggling back and forth while she moves it between her fingers. I'm not there for that. I'm there to learn, so I don't need the distractions. I don't approach you because I'm scared and somewhere inside me is still that thirteen year old girl that wants you to like me.

Now, we may never talk, and we may never meet. Even with that in mind, I am still the best friend you probably have within the classroom. I am that girl who will give anyone, like them or not, and know them or not, the very shirt off my back to help them if they are in need. I am in general that one person who will still be there in the very end. It doesn't matter if you slept with my boyfriend, and it doesn't make a difference if we have never spoke. I am still that girl who lay down her life in order to make at least one other person happy in this life. Though this is something you may never see because I keep to myself. Even then, I am the girl that realizes she may not measure up to most people's standards of beautiful. I have a few extra pounds, but tat doesn't mean that I am any less able to care. So,those things you say, even if they are behind my back, remember that I have ears, I can hear, and it does hurt.

Sure, I have my bad traits too. I trust too easily, I have a low self-esteem, I'm shy, and I get aggravated when you attack at me. All-in-all though, I am still that person who isn't always what you at first think she is. You may never realize it, but that's the beauty of this life. Each of our pasts and choices make us what we are, and from there we are left to continue to grow and interact. Without that we would be stones that sit there all day or we would all be fighting all the time. So, our lives and our choices help mold us to meet people who can help and hurt us. It is all coming down to a vicious cycle, and in the end....none of it matters. We live to die.

Arms vs. Shirts (7/25/2010)*

I think that during the time span of Mid-May that I was able to have some amazing conversations, and through the honestly of the situation I found out a lot not only about myself but about my friends too. To give a little background, without all the details, Brad**, was dealing with a few female issues. He was in love with a girl for six years who wasn't sure what she wanted during that time span. He seemed to be vaguely blind to the fact, so he's said something about her always keeping her an arm's length away.

It made me really think before replying to him, but I wanted this nice guy to realize that she wasn't interested. After a bit I replied to his text with, "You said she was keeping you an arm's length away. The fact that she is pushing you away instead of grabbing your shirt and pulling you closer seems to be a sign she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. She's keeping that distance for a reason." Men, for as good as they claim to be, at getting hints in all actuality seem to be terrible at picking up the biggest of hints.

When a woman leads you on for weeks, months, or even possibly years.. something is off. In the specific case above it was just timing, but generally there are bigger issues that are there. Women, in my opinion, are generally very silly creatures that don't truly want to hurt someone that they are close with in ANY way. So, when there is a guy who is friends with a girl that holds them that "arms length away" it is generally to not play hard to get. It is the way to tell the friend that there is no more then a friendship there. There are always exceptions, but those are far and few between.

All-in-all, women are simple creatures. If they want a male friend to be more than a friend, then the arm's length distance will disappear. My way of seeing things is to grip their shirt and pull them closer. It may not in reality be so pronounced, as some people are more shy then others. Any woman who really wants a friend as more won't play hard to get for too long.

If it is through about simply, then this metaphor really shouldn't be too hard to understand. Men's idea is that the arm's length is just "playing hard to get," but what needs to be clear is such: playing hard to get lasts minutes, hours, or maybe a day or two. If it has been any longer than a week (MAYBE two), then she is sending you a very different signal to try and prevent hurting you. Don't hold on too tightly to the friend that is holding you at a distance.



* Note: Date written.
** Name change