Long Lasting Memories

Tonight, for some reason, I am being haunted by the past and my mind has been stuck in that mode. Yesterday, October 3rd, my youngest sister turned eighteen, and I am sure that is part of it. Another part, is that I am talking to people from my past more and more in the recent days. Nothing wrong with that, but it seems to have made me go through all my old pictures. I ended the night in waterworks. Somewhere along the line of tonight the idea of getting an early start on bed got ruined. Where that happened, I'm not quite sure. After I got done talking to a friend, the plan had been bed... Then it all slipped away. Time has just flown by so quickly that I am looking back at some of these photographs and remembering things that I can't even imagine now. People that I barely even talk to who I have pictures of. The memories that go with each sets of pictures. I just...am at a loss right now. Where I was then, where I am now. It all is just so...wow. I know that this is the worst worded blog ever, but I think that is okay.

My sister, in this picture, is celebrating her eight birthday. EIGHT! She turned eighteen just a few hours ago. In the same album I have pictures of my brother's birthday. I look at these things and remember some crazy times. I remember playing Barbies with my older of my two sisters, Jessica, and telling my youngest sister, Amanda, that she couldn't play with us because she just didn't understand. I remember the day that we brought my brother home from the hospital for the first time. Then I think about today and how estranged things seem from these pictures. My sisters both live out on the West coast, and my brother, Jozef, is "too cool" for time to talk to his sister. And he's only sixteen now. Speaking of which, check out this next picture! Gotta say that eh still loved me then, huh? Plus, it's a little good fun in the blackmail area.

And that is just my brother and sisters that I have tortured so far. Let me continue... I have had some great friends in my life, and looking back I cannot imagine what high school, and even middle school, would have been like without a majority of them. Those memories are just as haunting. Going to wrestling matches with April and coming back exhausted. Having her straighten my hair that was well to my lower back for the first time. Getting ready for dances while she was at my house. Her running in the middle of the "photography session" that my mother was having so that she could get dolled up to be in the pictures too. Don't worry, April, I won't put up the first pictures my mom caught you with.

The same year as the above picture, I met someone who has become my best friend in this world. She is the one person who I have still kept in contact with more than any of the others. We have so many memories that I don't even know where to begin. I suppose starting with a zillion inside jokes such as, "scales," "screwdriver" and "restraining order" all would be a good beginning. Taking flowers and balloons to her house on her sixteenth birthday despite the fact we had a snow day and all the things that have happened since then. This is a memory just for her and I and Sarah, don't kill me for it.

So, I suppose only after mentioning the scales joke that I have to put up this next picture, as we might have been watching Moulin Rouge that night, and I might have had a blonde moment that more than just Sarah was there to witness. Erin, Rachelle, George, Jesse, and a few others managed to make that a memorable 16th birthday.

OH! Let's jump back for a minute because I have a few more people that I'd like to get in on this. Welcome to the eighth grade dance. Obviously, this in itself shows who I was close to by the end of eighth grade.

And to jump back we get to seventh and eight grade and my best friend of the time Rachelle. We did everything together in middle school and we went through our beginning years of puberty together. I was so close with her that I thought that friendship would never end. When that happened, I am not so sure. This was still back when slumber parties were cool, folks.

Leaving high school to an unknown place hadn't been easy, and it wasn't still Senior year that I really felt like I had a place, and that wasn't till FFA and those people that I got to work with on a close level were what got me through in a few different ways. I was able to learn and expand on my life in such a different way that this city girl would never have expected to come to. Those people that helped me meet that were close to me, and I hope that I won't be killed by any of them for putting this picture up here. Anyways, the trip that effected me most was when we all as officers, and Chris, hiked our way up to Kentucky for National Convention.

Some friends, after high school, stick around awhile, and it is interesting to look back and wonder where the lines got drawn. Still, to this day, I have friends that I miss. Looking at these pictures brought back a night of a particular bonfire that I had a blast at. The people in this picture (Paul, Tanita, and Don) have all effected my life long after high school, and that is part of the grandeur in good friendships and people you can relate to. And this night no where near explains the memories that I have had with these three friends. Though, it was the only time that the memories include the three together.

Just after high school, and also in Pike, I got to know a group of people and in that I made great friends. Those people aren't easily forgotten and that is all part f the reason that I am who I am today. Seth, Jefferey, and Ryan, don't think I've forgotten about you just yet. Those bonfires, long talks, and dreaded nights of never ending fun don't get forgotten too easily.

In high school and middle school, I was lucky enough to be able to have people to look up to that I don't know how, looking back, I would have been able to understand my on life and hardships without. Mentors are an important part of a teenager's life, and there were three people in my time of growing up that I looked up to. The memories with these three people are endless, but the importance of what these three did is unexplainable. So, for that I need to thank Coach Leissa, Mr. Davis, Melissa Bottoms, and Mr. Ransom for a world of knowledge both inside and outside of the classroom. None of it will ever be forgotten and that is part of the wonders of the world. I know that a few of you may never see this, but I know that it is truth which needs to be said, thank you.

This is all before I even get into the past loves and relationships. Those are what I could write a book on by themselves. I suppose that is part of the reason why they got saved for last. The first time I fell for a guy I was in seventh grade, and I knew that I liked this guy. I suppose I can thank the fact we had to join a club. Red Cross Club had been my choice, and I knew right away when I felt what I did. Stupid right? I guess not. He ignored me till high school and that is when things changed. Life changed a lot and the times weren't always easy, but we had made it for awhile. Those memories are so vast that they can't be touched on, but they are just as important than any others. It isn't even just the good ones either, but those are preferred. Sometimes the bad and the remembering of a heartbreak are what make me who I am today with all the relationships that I pursue. From Jesse I learned that I needed to first take a focus on me before I bring someone else into the chaos that I call life. One of the many lessons that I can thank him for. But, a favorite memory comes in this picture. Shows a lot more heart and care than I think a lot of my friends ever gave Jesse credit for, and maybe me too.

My biggest lesson from a ex though came with Clayton. I was a fool in high school, and I believed everything that I ever was told by someone. The biggest lesson that he taught me would be that not everyone can be trusted and that sometimes...not everything is what it seems. You can care for a person and still have a front and an appearance to hide yourself from them, and for that lesson I need to be thankful. Learning it fairly early in my life meant that I later would save myself some mistakes. We had a few good times, but in the end it is the lessons that count. Was it real love? I still to this day can't say. Also, I adore the random chickens in this photograph.

I suppose my point is, our lives change because of the people that have been in them. I know this is pretty deep in thought for it being one in the morning, but I felt that it was necessary to make the point that though these people may not be in my life anymore, they still effect it, even if I haven't seen you in years. Thank you for anything you've given me, and I hope that maybe I've sparked a positive memory of us back to you.

Happy Hobbit Day!

Yes, I am the total dork that 100% believes in Hobbit Day and celebrates it. One year, while taking a colloquium class on The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings trilogy I even make cupcakes for the class! today has been much more low key in terms of celebrations, though with the upcoming movie it should be a focus! Anyways, Hobbit Day exists because today is both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins' birthdays. [For all those of you that are unaware.]

So, I realize exactly how much the words of J.R.R. Tolkien actually have made a difference in my life. I know that it seems totally ridiculous to some people, but it changed something in me that I cannot even probably begin to explain. I'm going to try anyways, of course.

To begin with, the series took me out of this world when I was in a place that I needed to escape from my realities. It's a tough read, but it takes you to a whole other world that was all in the mind of Tolkien. He uses words to drag you right into the book and take you on a journey with these Hobbits in either book. The adventure is part of life. I remember being so caught up in these books that in high school I was in the pool leaning on the edge with my book on the deck so that I didn't have to stop reading. A lot of people, I have heard, cannot read the books because of the language, but that is the exact reason that I love them all so much. I needed an alternate reality just like this when I began reading these books.

Second, you get to know these characters. It isn't a flat book full of flat characters by any means. These characters have depths and motives and reasoning for what drives them to each place. Each one of them is vastly different. This is not because they are all different races either, as each of the four Hobbits in the trilogy are so vastly different because of the things and way that life effects them. You get lost and can relate to something in most of the main characters in so many different ways.

Third, it is a story about a journey, and I love the idea of journeys of all kinds. This one has an in-depth meaning of over coming fears and trials and just learning about yourself and your friendships along the way. That isn't just the trilogy either, as The Hobbit has so many of the same characteristics.

I am obsessed, and I cam okay with that. It is just part of who I am and people can accept that or ignore it or just get the hell out of my way. I'm tired of trying to change myself to fit into the world's perfect mold. Anyways, that mold is total crap anyways. Who wants to be five foot eleven inches with boobs that are pointy and perky enough to poke your eyes out? Wow, how did I get on this rant? I will save those for another day. Till then, I shall continue to incessantly count down till Peter Jackson's release of the first Hobbit movie. 83 days left.

The Hobbit's newest trailer.

A Politician's Statement, A Nation's Worry

With it getting closer and closer to election times there are a lot of politics that becoming a focus in the media and the main gate ways of people's interest. First off, I feel the disclaimer needs to be clear that I am neither Democratic nor Republican. I vote for the person who I feel immolates my morals and values in their reasoning. Recently, over the weekend a Republican Congressman, Todd Akin (from Missouri), made a comment that seems outlandish and just plain...idiotic. Instead of me trying to explain what it was that he said, I am going to insert the snippet of this televised interview here next. I'm giving the full three minute video because Todd Akin does mention another point that I'm going to touch on just before about tubal pregnancies.



First, let's define legitimate because that seems to be a whole new term in reference to rape. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online,

"Definition of LEGITIMATE 1 a : lawfully begotten; specifically : born in wedlock b : having full filial rights and obligations by birth 2 : being exactly as purposed : neither spurious nor false 3 a : accordant with law or with established legal forms and requirements b : ruling by or based on the strict principle of hereditary right 4 : conforming to recognized principles or accepted rules and standards 5 : relating to plays acted by professional actors but not including revues, burlesque, or some forms of musical comedy — le·git·i·mate·ly adverb."

From this, we can take on the assumption that Todd Akin is referencing definitions 2 and possibly 3a and 3b.

Let's start with the major issue here first. Rape is rape, and if it has been called a rape, reported as a rape, then usually there is no question to it's legitimacy. I know that there are a lot of people that 'cry wolf,' but I know that in most cases that is not the fact. To report a rape would take a lot of strength that most victims cannot build the strength to take part of, and this is not an assumption I am making. This is knowledge from personal experiences in one way or another which is not going to be shared on here.

First thing that stands out is that Akin is for tubal abortions because of the risk to the mother's health because as a nation we value human life. Then he contradicts himself when he begins to talk about rape victims and pregnancy. I cannot find a statistic, but I know that it happens. Women who cannot afford to get an abortion sometimes take on the option of suicide because they are carrying the baby of their rapist. Is it worth the turmoil, and the life of the woman because they cannot handle the knowledge of what cause the pregnancy. Let alone raising the child. This might be a rare case, but it is still something that should be put up for consideration.

Akin then says, "People always want to try to make that as one of those things well, how do ya, how do ya, slice this particularly though sort of ethical question. . ." Of course it is a though ethical question! There is no "making" it into one. Ethics itself is defined as something that is questioned and has two different view points because of moral and valued stances. Well, Akin thinking that abortion is not okay when someone is pregnant by cause of rape (though he seems to think it's impossible) itself proves that it is something that can ethically be questioned. There is no forcing it into being an ethical debate. Maybe I am completely mishearing him, but it seems ridiculous to me.

Now, to the thing that I think upsets me the most. Akin mentions that somehow a woman's body "shuts down" and magically it somehow will prevent itself from pregnancy when being "legitimately" raped. I have heard of mother's who see their children in a burning car or something who get an adrenaline rush and do some crazy things to get their child from the car, but never have I ever heard of a woman's body turning itself off because it was being attacked in any form. Is this why women don't report abuse too, Akin? They just turn their bodies off from feeling the pain? Anyways, to the point. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) has these statistics about rape and pregnancies. I've also included all the descriptions in how these numbers can be misleading to prevent any questions on such.

"Pregnancies Resulting from Rape:

~In 2004-2005, 64,080 women were raped. According to medical reports, the incidence of pregnancy for one-time unprotected sexual intercourse is 5%. By applying the pregnancy rate to 64,080 women, RAINN estimates that there were 3,204 pregnancies as a result of rape during that period.

This calculation does not account for the following factors which could lower the actual number of pregnancies:

~Rape, as defined by the NCVS, is forced sexual intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse means vaginal, oral, or anal penetration by offender(s). This category includes incidents where the penetration is from a foreign object such as a bottle. Certain types of rape under this definition cannot cause pregnancy.
~Some victims of rape may be utilizing birth control methods, such as the pill, which will prevent pregnancy.
~Some rapists may wear condoms in an effort to avoid DNA detection.
~Vicims of rape may not be able to become pregnant for medical or age-related reasons.

This calculation does not account for the following factors which could raise the actual number of pregnancies:

~Medical estimates of a 5% pregnancy rate are for one-time, unprotected sexual intercourse. Some victimizations may include multiple incidents of intercourse.
~Because of methodology, NCVS does not measure the victimization of Americans age 12 or younger. Rapes of these young people could results in pregnancies not accounted for in RAINN's estimates."

Taking the number 3,204 (which is RAINN's estimate for a two year period) and multiplying it by 3.5 (the amount of sets of two years since those statistics came out), then you get approximately 11,214 women since 2005 who have gotten pregnant by rape excluding those calculation mishaps which are mentioned in the above quote. So, I suppose that "maybe that didn't work" comment that Akin makes happens to a lot of women who are "legitimately raped" or his theory is just all sorts of wrong. I know my choice on that option, and I think everyone should feel free to make their own choice to believe this buffoon or not.

Two more things that I think need touched on with this. I think the people would like to meet and interview these "doctors" that Akin is referencing. Not only would they like to ask them questions, but I imagine a lot of people would like to see the scientific proof that backs their theory. I called my doctor on this issue because I wanted to see her option. She told me that it was absolute false, but who believes my gynecologist? She is just a woman who is in the field and sees pregnancies on a day-to-day basis. The second and last thing I want to touch on, that interviewer knew that things were going sour. He switched that topic to economy fairly quickly once Akin stopped talking. Good for the interviewer.

What is sad is that this blog, or the comment that Akin made, will not keep him from office. People will still blindly put faith in this man.

Effects of People

I haven't kept up with this lately, and through the encouragement of two people that I would call close to me - that is going to change now. I know I have said that I would keep this up once or twice before, but I am hoping to stick to my guns this time. Anyways, on to the point.

People in everyone's life play some part of importance. It doesn't matter if they appear only for short amounts of time or if they stay forever. Either way, that person has made an effect (or should this be affect?) on us in one way or another. I myself get to experience this just a much as many other will, but if I have learned one thing about it, it is that these people, no matter how long in our lives, teach us much needed lessons.

To the lifelong friend from high school,

Thank you for the lesson that there is more to friendships than a one way street. To know that a true friend helps to focus not only on his/herself but also on yourself. For all the great advice given, even if I have never listened to it, and for being there even when I am at my weakest. Over the past nine years we have been through enormous trials and tribulations, and we have over came each one by never loosing hope in the friendship that we acquired. A time or two, we hit a bump and went separate ways, but you are the one person who has seen and loved me for my weaknesses and strengths. It has been a trait which I do hope you feel that I have returned, but always a moment in time that I never will forget. The lesson is one which I try to make strive in all friendships that I continue to carry out in this lifetime.

To the first love,

For the lesson of heartbreak and an ever lasting love, I can now thank you. Though many other lessons were learned this is the one that has stuck with me the longest, and it will not wane. Love is an experience that once gotten is the hardest to erase, but the knowledge of heartbreak is an even harder feeling to erase. You gave me the first feeling of that, and though others have followed it was a lesson that only hits the way it had, at it's hardest, the first time. Since, I have been cautious with love and with the chance to get heartbroken.

To the instructor who made a difference without trying,

Without effort, or probably knowledge that you have done it, you have taught me the ever life changing lesson in constant search for knowledge. You opened a world up to me that I had barely known existed and with that the passion for something that will forever be part of my life. I never thought that a person, or class, would ever have such an impression on my life. In your class a whole new interest in things that I did not know grew. It is a lesson that I still search for the end to come, but I have found that forever there will be some new facet to explore.

To the all friends who left,

Thank you for the lesson in honesty. You honesty in not caring for me for exactly the person I am has made me realize that I do not need you, or people like you, in my life to hold me back. If you cannot handle the me that gets down on herself when treated terribly, then you certainly do not deserve all the loyalty and compassion that I would give to you as a friend. For this kind of friendship, I have learned that I will only be crushed by your lack of concern to give back in a friendship. You do treat friendships like a one way street, and in the end, this will be your own loneliness staring you in the face.

To the boss who I left,

The lesson in respect in myself is one that I never would have been able to accomplish without you. With the respect that I have always had for other people, it was not often that I kept any of that respect for myself. What happened in that situation taught me that I need to have that respect in myself because if I didn't people, of all kinds, will walk over me. That pride and respect for myself and the abilities that I know I have has been renewed to full strength, and I can only thank you for it.

To those I have not met yet,

Thank you for all the lessons I can learn from you.

Many other people could have been included in this, but these are the lessons that I feel have shaped me the most for who I truly am today. Obviously, I have no included any family who have taught me some of the most influential lessons, but I wanted to focus on those who were in our lives by choice, not force, who can effect it and leave at their, or your, whims.

New Plan for this blog - out the window.

I don't feel like doing it anymore, honestly. Tonight's is going to be short, but I figure no one will ever read this stupid blog, and I don't want to loose these next words. Ignore that previous run-on (and this fragment).

"If I am going to perish, then let me first appear as striking as the blossom, let me wither to the feeling of a winter breeze upon my skin. Disappearing into oblivion and bereavement like the perennial."

~Me

Life's Little Instruction Book

I have been considering a new way to make sure that I work on this blog everyday like I truly want to, but it is still not a guarantee. Anyways, I have this book titled Life's Little Instruction Book by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., and within this book is, "511 suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life." I plan on daily looking at one or two of these and seeing how I feel about them. The copyright date on the book is from 1991, so I am not sure how relevant some of these are. We will find out over the next year as I take a look at some of these instructions and see how they can affect, or is it effect, our everyday lives. Anyways, on with the first few!

"1. Compliment three people everyday."

I try to do this whenever I am sitting at the front desk at my work. I find that doing this is a real encouragement to people, but it seems a daily task that has slipped out of the minds and everyday sincerity of people and society as a whole. Life used to be different than it is now, and with that there has been a strong sense of community lost. Not only was it that you once knew everyone's name, but you would sit and have a small chit-chat keep the acquaintances up. Compliments on the simple and little things seemed to change the everyday conversation easily.

Now, we run across more people daily than I would expect people did 30, let alone 50, years ago. To say a small compliment to three people in a day should be easy, but in this society people are too fast paced and they are too quick to get on with everything that they need to do that this art is dying. People and small compliments to a person, whether friend or stranger, seems to have been left to the wayside. It matters not that this small simple compliment could change around someone, anyone's day, all that matters is that we are getting done what we need to as fast as possible so that we can move on with our day and tasks. The old style of a slow life seems to have slipped away to the fast-paced business days and with this we have love an era that we may never get back.

To take the time to pay three small compliments a day is maybe two minutes total out of your day. There is no reason that someone cannot take the time to give that small confidence to someone else.

"2. Have a dog."

I think that someone should tell my father about this rule because right now we are at the point where he is refusing to let me get a dog. There is no elaboration on this comment in the book, but I have a strong feeling that there are many benefits to having a dog. The first option for me would not be sitting at home alone most nights. It is nice to have company when no one else around and a dog is usually enough work with the walks, feeding, playing, and pottying that it is like having company there with you. That is one of the benefits of a dog just off hand that I can think of. I do not plan on looking at the statistics and the actual numbers, but it is said that having a dog helps you live longer. Who could ever complain with that? There isn't much else that I can say on the topic. Well, I am sure that there is, but I think it is obvious that I agree with this one.

"That Girl"

You know, I have spent my whole life being the person who is always there to listen, and is always the person to give advice and to help her friends in times of trouble. I basically feel like doing that has gotten me to become a walking doormat. One of my friends was talking to me and he said that I was, "That girl he knew he could always count on. He was glad to see I had become that girl again." We will call this friend, James, just for the sake of the argument. I apparently hadn't been "that girl" a few nights before because I got pissed that our phone conversation started with me saying I had a shitty week, and then James continued to say, "Yeah, me too," and then tell me everything that was wrong in his life. Anyways, so he said "that girl," and I got really upset. I then asked, "Who is that girl? What is she to you? Really, who am I?" He got pissed, told me nevermind, and he hung up. He got upset because he thinks and precieves me as this great person who does everything for everyone else with no respect or need in return.

Another friend, Jake, so we'll say, told me, when I went into a rant about why I was down and how I felt like shit that I was basically taking for granted my life, and that I was stupid because everything that I was going through wasn't anything. Maybe, to him, it was nothing, but it was a really big deal to me. It is over and over again with many of my friend, coincidentally all male, that this bull shit keeps happening with. I can care all I want, but in the end it is never enough for my "friends" to listen and give a shit back. Only they matter, and I am a mess that can just be piled on the side of the road for all that they care.

Maybe I am just tired of being that person who is the doormat to a revolving door. There is only so much I can give of myself to people and not get anything in return. I'm loosing friends over it, and it is bullshit, but it is life. Nothing can be done to stop it. Maybe becoming this person who is a bit colder will show me who really cares and has time to "waste" on caring about me back.