You know, I have spent my whole life being the person who is always there to listen, and is always the person to give advice and to help her friends in times of trouble. I basically feel like doing that has gotten me to become a walking doormat. One of my friends was talking to me and he said that I was, "That girl he knew he could always count on. He was glad to see I had become that girl again." We will call this friend, James, just for the sake of the argument. I apparently hadn't been "that girl" a few nights before because I got pissed that our phone conversation started with me saying I had a shitty week, and then James continued to say, "Yeah, me too," and then tell me everything that was wrong in his life. Anyways, so he said "that girl," and I got really upset. I then asked, "Who is that girl? What is she to you? Really, who am I?" He got pissed, told me nevermind, and he hung up. He got upset because he thinks and precieves me as this great person who does everything for everyone else with no respect or need in return.
Another friend, Jake, so we'll say, told me, when I went into a rant about why I was down and how I felt like shit that I was basically taking for granted my life, and that I was stupid because everything that I was going through wasn't anything. Maybe, to him, it was nothing, but it was a really big deal to me. It is over and over again with many of my friend, coincidentally all male, that this bull shit keeps happening with. I can care all I want, but in the end it is never enough for my "friends" to listen and give a shit back. Only they matter, and I am a mess that can just be piled on the side of the road for all that they care.
Maybe I am just tired of being that person who is the doormat to a revolving door. There is only so much I can give of myself to people and not get anything in return. I'm loosing friends over it, and it is bullshit, but it is life. Nothing can be done to stop it. Maybe becoming this person who is a bit colder will show me who really cares and has time to "waste" on caring about me back.
